The growth "fruits" of a baby

I'm sure that ALL dads-to-be have wondered, "If I compare the size of my baby in Hot Mama's oven to a fruit, I wonder what it would be?"  We've all done it right?  I don't think so....and neither did I, BUT, unbeknownst to me, Hot Mama signed up for weekly pregnancy emails (http://www.babycenter.com/) to update us on the progress of the baby AND it compares the baby to a fruit, seed or veggie and sometimes even a crustacean.  I have to admit, some Monday's I've been at the office and BAM it hits me, <gasp> "It's Monday!  Time to see what Jr is the size of this week!"

Here it is....starting at week 4:

Week 4, the size of a poppy seed.  Already we're off to a bad start, if you eat poppy seeds and have a drug test...BAM, you failed and got fired....not cool, Jr got fired right off the bat.

Week 5, the size of a sesame seed.  "2 All beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun."  Getting better...love me some burga's!

Week 6, the size of a lentil.  Normally I wouldn't know what this was, but Hot Mama looooves to experiment with recipes, most good, a few bad....so we got this chicken thighs and lentil recipe (its like a little bean)  She thought it was a great recipe'...until she found out what they do to me...she X'd that recipe' off the list due to unpleasing aroma.

Week 7, the size of a blueberry.  Blueberries are good, lots of antioxidants!

Week 8, the size of a kidney bean.  Can you say chili!  woowooo.

Week 9, the size of a grape. "Your baby has grown to the size of a grape, weighs a fraction of an ounce, and is almost 1 inch long."  That's kinda cool huh? 

Week 10, the size of a kumquat.  REALLY?  A whaaa?  I am offended that this site would size my baby up as a kumquat....SURELY there's a better comparison?  What is that anyways?

Week 11, the size of a fig.  Better than a kumquat, at least I know what a fig is.

Week 12, the size of a lime.  Ah ha!  I know of several good uses for a lime!  I wonder if the baby was ever that color green?  Where's the salt???

Week 13, the size of a medium shrimp.  "Let's see, you got shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo, shrimp kabobs, fried shrimp, boiled shrimp....." From the famous philosopher, Bubba Gump himself

Week 14, the size of a lemon.  So, I guess a lemon is bigger than a lime?  Probably a "sour" subject b/t these 2 citruses....

Week 15, the size of an apple.  A kumquat?  I'm still not over that....I'm officially changing that to a small plum....THERE, now I feel better!

Week 16, the size of an avocado.  Arrrriba!  At least we went from lime green to dark green....I've heard the first diaper is going to look like mushy black avocado...Guacamole will never be the same...

Week 17, the size of a turnip.  We have now gone to roots....by the way, the baby is around 5 ounces.

Week 18, the size of a bell pepper.  I love me some bell pepper, specially on pizza!

Week 19, the size of an heirloom tomato.  I'm not passing down my baby, so let's not compare Jr. to a passed down mater....capiche?

Week 20, the length of a banana.  So, 3 weeks ago Jr. was 5 ounces, now he's 10 inches long?  WOW!

Week 21, the length of a carrot.  Cool, we've got a rabbit on our mural in the baby's room...did you know that carrots help develop eyes and vision? 

Week 22, the size of a spaghetti squash.  You'd think this veggie would be slender, but alas, it is oblong and quite big around...whoever named it "spaghetti" squash, doesn't eat the same sketti as muah....

Week 23, the size of a large Mango.  I've gotta throw in that I LOVE me some Buffalo Wild Wings Mango Habarnero sauce...the first bite it tastes soooo sweet and yummy, them a few seconds later BAM, mouth is afire....great sensation....

Week 24, the size of an Ear of Corn.   Jr. is up to about 1.25 pounds now!  Unreal!  You know you can use canned kernel corn as bream or trout fishing bait....I'm all about the fishing!  Speaking of fishing, I've got maybe 3 weeks left to get some good fishing in.

Week 25, the size of a rutabaga.  Aiight, I have heard of one of these thangs, but I have no idea what it is, but the name rutabaga does sound kinda sexy.  In my mysterious voice..."Hey Hot Mama, can you pass me some rutabaga?"

Week 26, the size of a English Hothouse Cucumber.  What can't they just say cucumber?  Well, I guess at 14 inches and almost 2 pounds, they gotta be specific!  That's one big pickle!  <singing> "Wheeeere is my hairbrush?"

Week 27, the size of a Head of Cauliflower.  No color, no flavor, I would have maybe picked grapefruit for this week, but they didn't ask me....

Week 28, the size of Chinese Cabbage.  If you used Chinese Cabbage in coleslaw, would it then be Chinese Coleslaw?  Oh , and an FYI....China is the #1 English speaking country in the world....crazy huh?

Week 29, the size of a Butternut Squash.  Ok, story telling time....Hot Mama is very health conscious, and a couple weeks before this week came up, she was craving a recipe for a stew that included butternut squash and was talking about how it's so nutritious!  Butternut squash this, butternut squash that......well, the night we started making the butternut squash recipe, there was NO butternut squash in the fridge....yep, she forgot it at the grocery store that week...but, we made the recipe' anyways, without the butternut squash!  At the end of the meal, I looked over at her, put my hand on her shoulder and with the straightest face I could muster, I said, "Honey, this is the BEST butternut squash soup, I've EVER had."  Now that's true love....

Week 30, the size of a Cabbage.  Ahh, normal coleslaw, where's my fried catfish, fries and hush puppies?

Week 31, weighs as much as 4 navel oranges.  This baby is starting to pack on the weight!

Week 32, weighs as much as a large jicama.  That's about 3.75 pounds just in case you didn't know what a jicama is....you do know right? 

Week 33, weighs as much as a pineapple.  Tropical again!  This is one of my favorite fruits...catch these things in season and fresh....<slappin' my momma>

Week 34, weighs as much as a cantaloupe.  Uh oh, you know you are getting close when they describe your baby as a melon!

Week 35, weighs as much as a honeydew.  Speaking of honey"dos", since Hot Mama is getting bigger and has a harder time moving around, I end up graciously doing more things around the house.  But she has this habit of instead of asking me to do one thing, she ends up speaking in lists of about 5-6 at a time!  "Honey, can you clean the bathroom, and honey can you cook supper, and honey, can you ...(Insert Charlie Brown teacher voice here, b/c I'm lost)"

Week 36, is the size of a Crenshaw Melon.  Not quite sure what a Crenshaw melon is either, but I know most of you probably googled a jicama...was it like a potato or some kinda spud?  Oh yeah, up to about 6 pounds by the way....(this is what week we are on now, but I'll go ahead and tell you the last few to not keep you hangin'....that's the way I roll)

Week 37, as long as a stalk of swiss chard.  Some type of lettuce that's about 19 inches long!

Week 38, as long as a leek.  This is Alexander on Veggie Tales if y'all have ever seen that?

Week 39, we are up to the weight of a mini watermelon.  A watermelon is definitely one of the best things in the world, Smith County Watermelons are thebomb.com

Week 40, the GRAND Finale'....the size of a small pumpkin.  In Childbirthing class, D told us that 14 pounds was the biggest baby they've delivered.....Fourt.......een......pounds!  All the women in the class were groaning....."Not me!"  HA

Ok, so we went from Poppy Seed to a Pumpkin...from a spice to a jack-o-lantern...cool stuff.  My biggest complaint is there was no week dedicated to the Okra.  The Okra may not have been on here, but it will never be forgotten!  Go Fighting OKRA!

Child Birthing Class 101

When deciding on our childbirthing class, Hot Mama gave me a choice of a 2.5 hour class for 4 weeknights or we could knock this childbirthing class out in a 2 day childbirthing marathon weekend! There's James Bond Marathon weekends, Andy Griffith Show marathon weekends, but chalk us up for the Childbirthing weekend baby!  Hot Mama concurred and a 3 hour Friday night and 6 hour Saturday was inked in to be flushed down the toilet.....so I thought.

Luckily for us, we had the same teacher for this class as we did for the BF class!  Things were looking up because we really liked D and her personality.  After we sign in, I tell Hot Mama, "let's go sit in the back, we had to go first last time in introducing ourselves."  So we settle in, D does her introduction and then says, "Let's start by introducing ourselves.  We'll start with the couple in the back."  Seriously?  Is there a red letter on our foreheads or something?  D's coolness went down 4 notches for doing this to us again!! 

In our introduction, D wanted both the moms and the dads to tell what they're greatest fear was about the birth.  So here I am, deer in the headlights, 20 couples staring at me with smiles on their faces and expressions of, "Man, I'm sure glad WE didn't have to go first." Now to be honest, I knew what my biggest fear was...losing Hot Mama.  I'd be lost without Hot Mama.  But I thought that might sound cheezy, and I didn't want to admit that to a roomful of strangers.  But then the very next guy said HIS worst fear was losing his wife.  All you could hear were these "awwwwww that's sooo sweet" remarks.  Are you kidding me?  <ugghhhhh>  Note to self, tell the truth!

Friday night was quite boring to be honest.  Hot Mama had already coached me up on some stuff and I had a general idea of what to expect, and Fri night was just a review of what I already had known so far.  But Saturday was going to be the kicker...MORE VIDEOS!  woohoo!  SO, Fast forward to Saturday!  Bright and early at 9:00 am, we make it there with our pillows and munch down on some muffins and juice.  First thing D goes into the spill of the types of delivery and the types of drugs you can use.  Then we go into the videos of 3 different women....one have a natural birth, one with an epidural and one c section.  Hot Mama, who is not very fond of detailed videos where there might be blood or funky stuff, told me that she'll turn her head away if the video gets rough and I'll have to tell her when it's safe to watch again.  No problem.  Graphic doesn't scare me!

First woman up is the natural childbirth....WOW, it showed the crowning of the baby.  Hot Mama has her eyes glued to the video and I'M the one looking away saying, tell me when this part is OVER!  Next came the woman with an epidural and basically she was going through an "above average" labor time and just couldn't take it anymore.  D stops the video and tells us she personally had short labors...she only labored for 8 hours with her first one.  Now I have to stop and describe what happened in the room at this point.  Apparently Hot Mama was the only woman in the room who has ever known or talked to a woman who's had a baby because she didn't even flinch and all she said was "wow, that is short." But at the same moment ALL...and I mean ALL of the other women in the class gasped "That's short??!!"  and about 5 asked in unison, "How long IS the average?"  D replied, For a first baby, 12-15 hours! 

"12 hours?? holy $*%&", said a gal in front of us....baahahahaha.  At the next break we found out that couple was visiting our church, so we invited them to Sunday school. 

We finish up these videos and even though I thought I was ready to have this baby, I started realizing, I wasn't even close to being ready!  I'm glad I saw that crowning thing before we opened up the oven, I might have gotten a little lightheaded myself and asked for my own epidural!

I'd been wondering why in the world we brought pillows to this class, and after the videos D has us get out our pillows and goes into ways that the ladies can use them to get comfortable during labor.  She also throws us some of those noodles used for floaties when you swim.  She taught us how to put some elbow grease into it and rub Hot Mama's back with it.  Then she shows us how to "properly" massage their back with our hands.  After about 20 minutes I got to thinking, D sure is gonna get a great class evaluation from the women!  Brilliant!

D also taught us how to breathe!  Do it with me now.....heeee, heeee, heeee whooooo.  Then, when you are doing some relaxed breathing, just like Mr. Miaggi taught Daniel son, In throo de nose, out throo de mouth.  Piece of cake, I got this down! 

We also learned a little bit of nurse code.  FLK stands for "funny looking kid", just so you know.

D then had this sackful of stuff that we pulled out and tried to guess what it was or what it symbolized about having a baby.  There was everything from a baby bottle, to a diaper to a fork.  Guess what I pulled out...a friggin' nipple cover thingy for when you leak after BF.  Ironic huh?  Mamma said there'd be days like this.

I'm so glad Hot Mama is a really smart gal...for I sure won't be able to remember all this stuff.  The most important thing I learned at this class is what NOT to do.  D told us that it can take several pushes before the baby finally comes out, and sometimes during the pushing phase you can start to see the head but then it disappears again when Mom takes a breath.  D warned us, " Whatever you do, DON'T be the dad that says "Push honey.... yeah, you're doing great,.... I can see the head!....<disappointed sigh> awwwww, it disappeared."   I guarantee you, I know better than to be THAT dad, even if we do end up having an FLK.

Breast Feeding for Dummies

Do a little dance, make a little love, breast feeding class tonight!  Actually, I am really enthusiastic about dropping Hot Mama off for HER class and headin' out to the Bass Pro!  I thought this was a great tradeoff, she learns how to BF and I can expand my knowledge of fishing (which is my favorite thing to do in the world....with my clothes on anyways) ;-)

I'm driving Hot Mama to the first ever class we were going to and we get a little lost trying to find the place.  My buddy Jeff gave me a call on the way and I finally had to cut him off, "Jeff, I'm trying to find my BF class, so can I call you later?"  After about 5 full seconds of stunned silence, Jeff (a father of 2) laughed so hard he couldn't hold the phone!

We finally find the place and when we walk in, the moment of truth....CRAP, 15+ couples there including the guys <sigh>  Hot Mama is just a grinning, and I'm thinking I got conned again!!...how did this happen twice??!?!  Glancing around the room I see all these pregnant women just a smiling and giggly and happy, I'm talking GLOWING!  Then I notice all the guys have their heads in their lap and playing on their cell phones, so I naturally assume the same position.  We were a minute or two late because we didn't know where we were going so we sit in the front row and now it's time to introduce ourselves and guess who goes first?!?!  uuuugghhhhh  Our teacher D, asks us to say who we are, when we are due and why we are here.  She then says, "I know you "guys" are here because there's a "video" right?"  At this moment, it was like a bunch of synchronized swimmers...all us guys pull our heads out of our lap, perk up and start thinking, video? "Maybe this class won't be so bad."

After introducing myself enthusiastically as someone that was here to learn about BF and hearing everyone's due dates, etc., D, the teacher, goes into her spill of how important BF is for the baby.  Did you know that every mom produces the milk specific for the baby?  If the baby was born premature, the mom's body knows this and the milk has higher amounts of protein specifically for that baby so it will grow faster.  They've even found that BF babies vs bottle fed babies have a higher IQ.  That's just pretty cool and I'll forever be amazed at God's creation.  Fist bump to you God for thinking of EVERYTHING and creating moms that can adapt to their baby's needs....unreal.  D also said that the mom always produces the right amount of milk even if the mom has twins!  I gotta admit, I thought about ya here Carrie...how are them quads doing by the way?  And bless your heart!

After the education on why it's good to BF (which was actually very interesting to me, btw), D goes into how you do it.  Yep, I'm starting to get a little squirmy now as we talk about "latching on" etc.  At this point, I turn to Hot Mama and give her the "tag you're it" and say, "You soaking all this in, cuz I ain't gonna remember this stuff?"  She said, "They'll be at the hospital with us to help coach us through it while we are there."  Of course I say, "Then why are we HERE?"  Lawd, why in the world are we sitting through a 2 hour class when they gonna be "hands on" at the hospital?  "Can I go to the bathroom and beat my head against the wall now?"

Next is "the video" to illustrate what we have just learned.  I'm not going to go into detail, but way to go ladies in the video....y'all made it look easy...  When the video was over, all us guys put ours heads back in our lap and pull the cell phones back out.  If they were doing what I was doing, they were posting on their FB status, "At BF class supporting my awesome wife and just watched an 'exciting' video on how it's done."  My whole world is gonna change.

One note D did mention is there is a BF support group around town that can help you in your quest to BF your baby.  She said, "They're a little extreme in their methods, meaning they BF their babies up to age 4 to 6 years old, but it does make them an expert at it."  Seriously?  That is getting into the husband deprivation category if you ask me! 

After about and hour and a half of minor misery, I really did get some good info and the sucking class really didn't "suck" after all. 

The video saved it......

Baby University...Seriously?

After Hot Mama's first sonogram, we went to the see the doctor in what I thought was going to be a normal routine visit.  Everything went smoothly until the doctor slipped over to Hot Mama a list of baby classes.  I knew I was in trouble once I saw it, but I fo sho wasn't going to bring them up until Hot Mama did....

Sho nuff, we didn't even make it to the elevator before she was clapping her hands in excitement about the classes!  "Look honey, we've got all kinds of options for the classes!"  She then looks at me in her (I know you are going to hate doing this face, and uses her I know you don't want to do this but you're going to voice) and says, "Our first baby classes will be fun to go through together!"  In my bestest happy/excited face and most sarcastic voice I could muster, I said, "These classes will be so much fun!"  I was actually thinking, "Are you kidding me? This hospital has a baby university?....are we even pregnant?...I need a drink."  She tried to make me feel a little better by saying, "Honey, they won't be too bad, plus we get to learn how to breathe and basically get a brief having a baby rundown."  Learn how to breathe??  Seriously??  Whats wrong with the way we breathe now?  I immediately remembered the Bill Cosby routine of his wife having a baby and the breathing they did and I kept thinking to myself, I haven't put much thought into this baby thing...(if you can find the BIll Cosby routine somewhere, you should listen, quite hilarious!)....

We get to the house and immediately Hot Mama wants to sit down and schedule our classes!  Up first, breastfeeding class, (insert a sound of car screeching to a halt) "Honey, I love you, I support you in your BF for the baby, I think it's important, but I don't think that's a class I need to go to!"  Couldn't she have at least waited until the 3rd or 4th class to bring up the BF??  I'm usually a dive right on in kinda guy, but sheesh, I ain't even wanting to stick my toe in the water for these classes and BAM, she starts with BF class!!  She finally told me when we go, if there aren't any more guys there, I can leave and go to Bass Pro Shop....as Bob Boyte Honda says, "DEAL!"  See, thats what makes a great marriage work, she knows how to bribe me...I Love that woman!  ;-)

Next is the baby CPR class....that seems like it should be ok...probably need to know how to do this anyways, right?  Then comes the birthing class!  Now this one is the big mamba jamma.  This is where we learn to breathe and get a heads up of how having a baby works.  (And I thought it was as simple as go to the hospital, pop that baby out and head back to the house)  Yeah yeah, I really was ignorant about it, but hey, I was blocking out everything to do with a baby in my life, and to be honest, I was still in shock that we were pregnant after 2 weeks.  Then we signed up for the car seat class and the tour of the hospital.  These seemed like they should be ok....safety first right?  I guess I should know where to take Hot Mama when the oven "dings".

Sleeping that night I remember waking up in a cold sweat after being in BF class with noone but about 30 women....worst nightmare I've ever had...

Hopefully these classes will be educational and fun right???  BF class next post!

In the Beginning

I just wanted to start a diary of sorts, about my experiences with having a baby!  So you should check back and definitely keep up with us....I'm POSITIVE that you'll enjoy the journey with me.  On a side note, any English teachers out there better not grade me on my writing, it ain't gonna be purrfect!

In the Beginning,
My awesome wife, who I'll refer to as "Hot Mama", really kinda conned me into this baby thing.  Yeah yeah, we were planning on having a baby, but little did I know that it would only take 2 weeks to get pregnant!  Hot Mama, after dislocating my arm by twisting it so much finally convinced me to start trying to get pregnant.  She did this by telling me that it may take 4-8 months to achieve this...well 2 weeks after taking the goalie away she wakes me up one morning with one to them thermometer looking things and had this big smile on her face and said, "I couldn't wait!!!"  So I hugged her and said, "Well that wasn't 8 months" and rolled back over and fell asleep thinking it was just a dream....Conned I tell you!! 

I really didn't think it was real until we went for that first ultrasound where they look like an alien, and that little heartbeat was pounding away.  I remember saying, "Well this really is real eh?"  The nurse kinda looked at me funny and Hot Mama said, "uhhh yeah".  HA!  I immediately thought to myself, "My whole world is going to change."  And boy, I wished I had a nickel every time someone told me that!  Me: "We're having a baby!" Response: "You're world is gonna change!" 

It's almost like those automatic responses we give, if you know what I mean?  Can I help you? "Nah, just lookin'"  How are you doing today? "Fine, and you?"  I'm having a baby!  "You're world is gonna change!"  Speaking of my world changing, its confession time, and yes I'm being honest...2 things I have NEVER done: 1. hold a baby (I refused) and 2. clean a diaper.  Just those two things right there have me sweaty palmed...specially after my good buddy Jason was telling me about his babies first diaper change.  He told there ain't no class that can prepare you for that funk!  I guess I'll find out pretty soon! 

SO...Hot Mama is awesome (even if she did con me) and I'm as ready and excited as I can be for the blessing of our baby.  I can't say "I can't wait", but I am ready to meet the future Major League Baseball MVP...no pressure son.

Future posts to come and these are my stories....