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Sunday, February 20, 2011

Child Birthing Class 101

When deciding on our childbirthing class, Hot Mama gave me a choice of a 2.5 hour class for 4 weeknights or we could knock this childbirthing class out in a 2 day childbirthing marathon weekend! There's James Bond Marathon weekends, Andy Griffith Show marathon weekends, but chalk us up for the Childbirthing weekend baby!  Hot Mama concurred and a 3 hour Friday night and 6 hour Saturday was inked in to be flushed down the toilet.....so I thought.

Luckily for us, we had the same teacher for this class as we did for the BF class!  Things were looking up because we really liked D and her personality.  After we sign in, I tell Hot Mama, "let's go sit in the back, we had to go first last time in introducing ourselves."  So we settle in, D does her introduction and then says, "Let's start by introducing ourselves.  We'll start with the couple in the back."  Seriously?  Is there a red letter on our foreheads or something?  D's coolness went down 4 notches for doing this to us again!! 

In our introduction, D wanted both the moms and the dads to tell what they're greatest fear was about the birth.  So here I am, deer in the headlights, 20 couples staring at me with smiles on their faces and expressions of, "Man, I'm sure glad WE didn't have to go first." Now to be honest, I knew what my biggest fear was...losing Hot Mama.  I'd be lost without Hot Mama.  But I thought that might sound cheezy, and I didn't want to admit that to a roomful of strangers.  But then the very next guy said HIS worst fear was losing his wife.  All you could hear were these "awwwwww that's sooo sweet" remarks.  Are you kidding me?  <ugghhhhh>  Note to self, tell the truth!

Friday night was quite boring to be honest.  Hot Mama had already coached me up on some stuff and I had a general idea of what to expect, and Fri night was just a review of what I already had known so far.  But Saturday was going to be the kicker...MORE VIDEOS!  woohoo!  SO, Fast forward to Saturday!  Bright and early at 9:00 am, we make it there with our pillows and munch down on some muffins and juice.  First thing D goes into the spill of the types of delivery and the types of drugs you can use.  Then we go into the videos of 3 different women....one have a natural birth, one with an epidural and one c section.  Hot Mama, who is not very fond of detailed videos where there might be blood or funky stuff, told me that she'll turn her head away if the video gets rough and I'll have to tell her when it's safe to watch again.  No problem.  Graphic doesn't scare me!

First woman up is the natural childbirth....WOW, it showed the crowning of the baby.  Hot Mama has her eyes glued to the video and I'M the one looking away saying, tell me when this part is OVER!  Next came the woman with an epidural and basically she was going through an "above average" labor time and just couldn't take it anymore.  D stops the video and tells us she personally had short labors...she only labored for 8 hours with her first one.  Now I have to stop and describe what happened in the room at this point.  Apparently Hot Mama was the only woman in the room who has ever known or talked to a woman who's had a baby because she didn't even flinch and all she said was "wow, that is short." But at the same moment ALL...and I mean ALL of the other women in the class gasped "That's short??!!"  and about 5 asked in unison, "How long IS the average?"  D replied, For a first baby, 12-15 hours! 

"12 hours?? holy $*%&", said a gal in front of us....baahahahaha.  At the next break we found out that couple was visiting our church, so we invited them to Sunday school. 

We finish up these videos and even though I thought I was ready to have this baby, I started realizing, I wasn't even close to being ready!  I'm glad I saw that crowning thing before we opened up the oven, I might have gotten a little lightheaded myself and asked for my own epidural!

I'd been wondering why in the world we brought pillows to this class, and after the videos D has us get out our pillows and goes into ways that the ladies can use them to get comfortable during labor.  She also throws us some of those noodles used for floaties when you swim.  She taught us how to put some elbow grease into it and rub Hot Mama's back with it.  Then she shows us how to "properly" massage their back with our hands.  After about 20 minutes I got to thinking, D sure is gonna get a great class evaluation from the women!  Brilliant!

D also taught us how to breathe!  Do it with me now.....heeee, heeee, heeee whooooo.  Then, when you are doing some relaxed breathing, just like Mr. Miaggi taught Daniel son, In throo de nose, out throo de mouth.  Piece of cake, I got this down! 

We also learned a little bit of nurse code.  FLK stands for "funny looking kid", just so you know.

D then had this sackful of stuff that we pulled out and tried to guess what it was or what it symbolized about having a baby.  There was everything from a baby bottle, to a diaper to a fork.  Guess what I pulled out...a friggin' nipple cover thingy for when you leak after BF.  Ironic huh?  Mamma said there'd be days like this.

I'm so glad Hot Mama is a really smart gal...for I sure won't be able to remember all this stuff.  The most important thing I learned at this class is what NOT to do.  D told us that it can take several pushes before the baby finally comes out, and sometimes during the pushing phase you can start to see the head but then it disappears again when Mom takes a breath.  D warned us, " Whatever you do, DON'T be the dad that says "Push honey.... yeah, you're doing great,.... I can see the head!....<disappointed sigh> awwwww, it disappeared."   I guarantee you, I know better than to be THAT dad, even if we do end up having an FLK.

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